POPO

It was such a short notice for this giangantic & important issue to everyone in her life. Yes, i was saying.. My Grandma's death. God had taken her away on Sunday 23rd Nov. This moment of my life was shit. Although everyone said she left peacefully, i always thought, she didn't.

My grandma, is 82. Diagnoised with last stage cancer? few months back. Which tally up my story why she didn't left peacefully although she left in her sleep. She slept to death. But to me, it could be medications, it could be she's too tired. I don't know. Since young, she takes care of me & my siblings. Every morning, she'll be at our house by 10. Sweating all over. But she'll always hide herself in the kitchen. Reason cause she doesn't want to affect the children. As she's a smoker. &we don't like people smoking. So, to take it to herself, she rather ensure that she doesn't affect us. What a great lady.

Every morning, she gets breakfast for us. *without fail*! Even when she's sick, even when she has problem walking. Even rain or shine. She stays at Ho Ching Rd, which requires to at least take a bus over to interchange. Now we shifted, she just have to drop at the interchange but last time, she has to take to rides to get there. What a great lady.

I just have to say i like this that she've bought, she'll buy it the next day. She's a very fierce lady, who taught me manners. When i was in pri school, i wake up with my bolster with me. &i'll bring it along with me to the living room and 'enjoy' my tv programme. But the time was already 1pm, 2. She would lecture me telling me the time &my manners. Why bring something used on the bed to living room so ppl can see? I never liked her. Because i always think she picks on me. :( But when i grow older, i see her concerns, her reasons to why she does all those. What a great lady she is.

At home i'm the youngest. I always get what i want from mama. So does it works the same for grandma. Her love for people, is unconditional. Neighbours from her block all knew her. They turned up paying respect. Some shade tears for the lost of such a great lady. But some smiled for she doesn't have to suffer. For me, i chose the tears. Because when she needed me the most, i wasn't there with her. Previous few post i did mention i went to hospital with her. Spent time talking. People start to care when things are too late. Like me, i don't know how to appreciate people, like grandma. When she left, i wasn't there for her. How pathetic is that? How filial am i?! What the fuck was i doing? I had regrets. Everyone was there... except me.

The time i saw her was in the coffin. When she first time got on make up & lipsticks. She looks pretty. But she would be prettier when she's alive. Everytime i look into the coffin, i feel she's breathing. Like i would sleep beside her when she's at our place for her last days. She's breathing. Her tummy is moving. But all i saw was her falded yellow fingers, with no blood circulations at all. With her eyes close. That's all that's left. Memories. No more brkfast, no more long stories. No more traditional cookings. No more grandma.

The coroner said something that made me cry at the last day of the funeral. Take your time to look at her, it's your last look, there won't be anymore. But i never did look at the last look. Because i want to remember Grandma's smile, her beautiful blue eyes, her voice. I don't want that look from that coffin. I DON'T WANT TO!

Although she had went to heaven to join 3rd uncle and Jesus. I wished she was still here, breathing like always. Passing me all her knowledge. But she'd been buried.

I'll remember you popo, like i always remembered ah fu. I know i've never been good. But thank you very very much for taking so good care of us when you're with us. & now in heaven, to continue to take care of us with uncle and The Lord. May your blessings on earth be passed over to everyone.

I've never get to tell you this, but i hope you'll get to hear this. I Love You.
Because the time my brain matures to see whose heart is good for me, i knew... It's too late. Sorry.. for not being there for you & being unfilial. I'm sorry.